Saturday, January 12

Auo died five years ago today, and for the first time we find ourselves in India on her deathday.

In the week before she died she and I had an early morning conversation in the garden of Blue Breeze. She complained that Roosa’s parents allowed her to do something that we didn’t. (I can’t remember what.) I said to her, “Do you wish you were Roosa?”. She looked at me for a second and then her face lit up in a big grin. She chuckled and said “I absolutely love being me”, giggled, hugged me, turned round, and went back to the swing.

As Irma said this morning, it doesn’t really matter how we feel about “our” loss. It just seems completely wrong that she didn’t get the chance to live the life that she loved so much.

After we had sat together in mostly silent communion for some time, Irma took the cats out, I washed their room, and we started the day.

At 11:30 we set off to see Paul van Gelder at SISP, because we wanted to talk about possible collaborations. Irma started by sort-of interviewing him so that we could establish a coherent history of SISP from 1996 to today.

We then talked about we both do in Helsinki, and finally the three of us looked to find places where we might collaborate.

At the end Irma gives out several Buddyschool rucksacks and the children skateboarding stop to try them on and ask questions. I take some photographs of the skateboarders standing around.

Later in the afternoon Irma will go to Divine Hypermarket to buy candles.

At dusk we will make a setting on the table on the balcony, of candles, flowers, and a photograph of Auo. Irma will light the candles, the wind will rise, the candles will get red hot and, with a loud crack, the glass-topped table will break.

We will both recognise this as completely suitable for a celebration of Auo’s life. It will feel right that it should start well, before descending into minor catastrophe and finishing with a mess that makes us both smile.

I will spend an hour or so cleaning up, and in the calamity we will forget to make any dinner.

We will eat cashews nuts instead.