Monday, January 13
The night was filled with phone calls and sleeplessness. At 7:45 Naa and I checked out of The Uppal, got in a car and headed to the airport. I was composed until we got to the security check. Suddenly, just looking round, I was reminded of how much Auo liked to travel and how you used to get quietly excited when we got to this point in the check-in; when we were just on the verge of going somewhere. She would get even more alert than usual, look round and start noticing things that were new or odd or amusing. I stood in the line sobbing loudly.
The flight was full and I spent most of it crying. People around me spent most of the flight pretending not to notice, which was very Finnish of them. One woman with a Californian accent hugged me and told me about earth angels and how children who die young have been sent here to give us specific guidance for our benefit and not their own. I had to feign a need for the toilet to get her to let go of me.
Now we are at home. We were both afraid that the sight of all Auo’s stuff would drive us to breaking point but, to both our surprises, it turn out to be an immense comfort looking at her room, which seems like an externalisation of her. It is filled with Auo-ness.
Tarkku has been with food and Päivi has delivered the cat. Minna has given us our post and Antti has phoned. They have all been wonderful, but we were both too distracted and lost in time and space to respond very well.
The cat is a wonderful addition to the house. He seems so unrealistically big, and he immediately finds somewhere familiar and spreads himself out.
We will go to bed early and each sleep for about four hours.